Every time that I hit a next milestone of mine, I write something that’s more serious and it’s usually about my eating disorder in the past. I don’t write about it all the time, because I’m still not 100% comfortable with writing and telling everything about it, but I’m trying. Todays milestone is 2000 readers on my blog in 5 months, which is crazy, because I’ve never thought that so many people would’ve read it, and I want to thank you with another blog of mine that is connected to my past issues. I hope you enjoy it.
“An eating disorder is a mental disorder defined by abnormal eating habits that negatively affect a person’s physical or mental health.” I’ve copied this definition from Wikipedia and yes, it’s exactly what it says. Having an eating disorder doesn’t mean to just be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, it means a lot more than that. Yes, it’s a physical change, but 80% of it is actually in your mind – your mental health. Also, just to let you know, there are not just anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa that are counted as an eating disorder. Yes, they are most common, but there are others as well that are not mentioned as often as those two are (binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, orthorexia nervosa). I admit that I only know the basics of eating disorders, but I know enough to tell you something about it, especially from my own experience. I know a lot of people will find this post either challenging or unimportant, but I think that talking about this theme is not supposed to be a taboo anymore and I think that we should definitely talk more about it, because it’s important. Very important.
There are several factors that actually contribute to one’s eating disorder, from biological to environmental factors. For me, the biggest factor was the environment. I used to be overweighted and the fact that others were making fun of me, made me feel unwanted or not accepted in the company. Another factor that played a huge role was looking at other skinny and tiny girls, looking all cute and everybody always loved them. They were popular and I didn’t have that. But I wanted that as well, as fast as possible. The idea was to lose weight and then I could’ve had everything I’ve ever wanted – friends and a boyfriend and I would’ve been popular. Wrong, girl, wrong. I’ve already said this before, but I’ll repeat myself 100 times if needed. You can’t love yourself, when you are 20 kg lighter, if you don’t love yourself with 20 kg more. You will not get 100 new friends, a boyfriend, a totally new life if you lose 20 kg. If you don’t love your life, when you are 20 kg heavier, you won’t love your life when you are 20 kg lighter. Keep this in mind. Nothing will change, if you don’t change your mindset and accept yourself no matter where you are. I went in a totally unhealthy way and the consequences were terrible. They were nothing like I’ve ever expected. And I’m trying to be as honest as I can be with you, because this theme is something that people should talk about, because there are thousands and thousands of girls and boys, who struggle with eating disorders.
At first, I thought that eating less and exercising more will get me results that I’ve wanted. And yes, the scale showed 25 kg less than when I started, but let me clarify something. The scale is just a number. And you are not a number. Can you hear this? YOU ARE NOT A NUMBER. You are a human being and numbers don’t define you. I’ve went from 79 kg to 54 kg in less then 6 months. For my height, 54 kg is okay and it’s normal weight for me. But, not in my case. I’ve literally starved myself, I didn’t have any muscle mass and I’ve probably had a huge amount of fat in my body. But, when you saw me, I looked skinny. Everybody was clapping to my face for my success, but nobody actually knew what was happening inside me. I was so unhappy and unsatisfied with myself and nobody knew in what trouble I was back then. I’ve lost my period from August 2012 until January 2015 – that’s over 2 years! I can’t even tell you how happy I was, when I gained it back. I will tell you, what I’ve written in my diary on 6th of January 2015, when the period finally came back. “The second important thing that happened to me today is that I finally got my period back!! I know it sounds silly, but when I started losing weight in August 2012, I’ve completely lost it. And I am so happy right now! I just hope that it will stay and that I never lose it again.” Can you see it? I’ve been extraordinary happy and it was a true relief for me. There were also other consequences, such as losing hair, having stomach issues, my bones and muscles hurt, my nails were broken all the time and I’ve been scared of food. I was counting my calories and I ate 3 times per day, which was ‘normal’ for me. Crazy! If you haven’t read my other two posts about my experience with dieting, you can read them here and here.
Fortunately, I didn’t develop full anorexia nervosa, but I was definitely going in that direction. I developed that mindset and I’m extremely happy that it didn’t go any further. On occasion like this, when I’m thinking about that time of mine, I always come back to people. When you gain or lose weight, people always notice and they always have comments about it. The interesting part of it all is actually their reaction. They always judge, no matter what. But they don’t know the real reason behind it. When I gained my weight back (I gained about 20 kg), the first thing my grandmother told me, when she saw me, was: “Oh, you gained weight back.” I don’t resent her anything, she just told what she meant to say, but it’s funny that people always have something to say about your appearance. I’ve learnt to take those comments for granted, because people don’t know what’s actually happening, but my opinion is that they definitely shouldn’t have commented anything, if they don’t know the reason behind it.
This post is already too long, but this always happens, when I talk about this theme. Eating disorders are no fun and I want to talk more about them, because I know that there are thousands of people who struggle with them. You probably didn’t learn anything new from this post, but I just have one favour for you. If you or anyone that you know, struggle with any kind of eating disorder, find help. Tell your best friend, your parents, a social worker and together you’ll find a solution for you or your friend. It won’t be easy, but you will thank yourself later. I’ve found this quote on internet the other day: “You are worth so much more than lbs and calories, than bones or an empty space between your thighs.” You are truly worth more and I hope that you find your worth. You are unique, nobody in the world is like you and that’s your privilege. You are you and you have the right to be who you want to be, to be loved by people you want to be loved and to feel comfortable in your own skin, without crazy diets and starving. If you ever need to talk to somebody, I’m always there for you, no matter what.
Until next time,