Todays post was supposed to be something else, but while I was scrolling through all of my pictures from the past few years, I just couldn’t go pass one map, called My journey. When I first started my so called ‘healthy lifestyle’ in August 2012, I created my first instagram account, which was hidden from all the people that I knew, because I didn’t want anybody to follow my journey (crazy, right?). It was all about my lifestyle, food that I ate, my workout pictures, literally everything that I was doing. And this map on my computer contains almost all pictures from that account.
I won’t talk about the whole journey of mine, because I already did (if you haven’t read it yet, read it here), but I just want to share a couple of pictures and a part of my story with you.
First, let me give you an example of what I usually ate, from about 6 am to 10 pm. The first thing I did in the morning, was eat some breakfast, but it was almost nothing. I only had an apple or yoghurt with some cappuccino. Yes, it’s definitely better than eating nothing, but this kind of a breakfast had literally none of the nutritional value. Not to mention that my next proper meal was at 4 pm, when I came home from the school. I know it sounds crazy and believe me, it was. After that breakfast I went to school and I came home around 4 pm. In school I usually didn’t eat anything, sometimes maybe a piece of fruit or some nuts, but other than that, nothing. If you ask me now, what was happening with me at that time, I don’t know. It was my mindset that was totally back to front, but at that time I didn’t care about it.
So, when I came home, I had lunch. Yes, I ate lunch, but definitely not enough. I ate something that I satisfied my hunger. And I usually had dinner (again a bowl of fruit) around 6 pm, because I had a rule that I shouldn’t eat after 6 pm. Don’t even ask me why. And that was literally everything I ate in a day. I don’t know how many calories was that and I don’t care about it now. But back then, calories and food were all I was thinking about. I was literally obsessed with it.
Second thing I want to talk about is workout. We all know that workout is around 20% of our result. And of course, I included it into my daily routine as well. It wasn’t as intense as food intake choices, but I still exercised every day. The first 3 months I got up at 4 am every morning and went hiking on the nearest hill. Even when it was raining or snowing, it didn’t matter. I wanted to do that hike every single morning. And I did, because I was crazy enough. I also included some workout videos, running, zumba and other activities in my day. It all sounds amazing, except that I was doing that workout because I HAD to, not because I enjoyed it. It was kind of an obligation to me and if I ate ‘too much’ or if I ate some bad food, I had to workout. There was no other way.
All these choices of mine led to some serious consequences. I started losing my hair, I lost my period for a year, I lacked the energy, my nails were terrible, I had headaches almost every week, I had stomach problems and probably the worst one, I was scared to eat food. Even a year or two after gaining my weight back and being ‘normal’ again, I feared food, because that mindset was still stuck inside of me. Not to mention that I wasn’t happy. Every time I reached a goal of mine, I wanted more. And more. And more. I thought that if I lose weight, I would be happy and satisfied with my body. But it was nothing like that. If I didn’t love my body with 78kg, how should I expect to love it with 52kg?
I’m not sharing this with you to get attention or to be proud of that period of my life. I’m sharing this with you, because I want to help anybody who’s struggling with eating disorders in general. The lowest weight I’ve been was around 52kg, which is, for my height, still in normal range. But losing around 25kg in 3-4 months with that unhealthy lifestyle is not healthy at all. I can tell you that I’ve definitely developed some anorexic thoughts and I’m glad that I’ve stopped at the right time. Otherwise, it could’ve gone even further.
When I gained my weight back in 2014, I was happy, because I knew what I’ve been through. And all the people, telling me that I’ve gained weight back, I have no words for them. Because they didn’t even know what I’ve been through and they were judging me anyways. But you know, it’s always like that. People rather judge everybody else than themselves. And that’s why I don’t care about people’s judgments anymore – because they don’t know even 5% of what’s happening to you.
Girls, especially the younger ones, don’t realize how bad dieting is. I personally, didn’t do it for myself, but I did it for others. Because I wanted to fit in. Because I wanted to be accepted. And that was the biggest mistake of my life. Now I know that I don’t need anybody’s approval for anything. That time of my life was one of those that were not the prettiest, but at least I learnt a lot from it. Firstly, to never try to impress anybody. You should only listen to yourself and your heart. Secondly, to always put yourself first. Your health is much more important than society standards and I would never in my life try to fit in again. And third lesson is definitely to surround yourself with people who accept you, who are positive and happy and are ready to help you in best way possible.
This period of my life was 4-5 years ago and as I already said, I don’t remember it as a bad time of my life. The Universe gave me that time to make me stronger as a person and just like good times are there to help us grow, so are the bad ones. I wouldn’t change anything in my life, even the darkest of times, because they made me the person I am today. I am much stronger, confident and definitely more reasonable with my decisions. I found one quote and it goes like this: “Good times become good memories and bad times become good lessons.” And this is exactly what I said. Whatever you’re going through right now – eating disorder, family problems, financial problems – it’s only temporary and you will go through. Just believe, try to stay positive and never give up. You will come out as a totally different and much stronger person as you are now. And if you ever need somebody to talk to or just listen to you, feel free to message me.
Until next time,